Sparrow Widows Support: Clichés and Platitudes

Life will never be the same again

When the Corona virus pandemic hit South Africa in March 2020, we had less than 10 days to prepare for Lockdown. The shock, disbelief and fear were overwhelming. Suddenly, we were faced with a situation that would change our lives forever. Life will never be the same again. The loss of one’s spouse has a similar effect. Shock from the trauma, disbelief that he is gone and fear for the future are overwhelmingly difficult to confront. You do not need to make any long-term changes yet. Take one day at a time. Handle each day according to what that day presents. One task at a time. If a task or challenge is too overwhelming, set it aside for another day, Slowly, you will begin to work out a new routine, sometimes without even realizing it.

Parable:

Here are 3 parables from 3 different widows:

Anna lost her husband Ed, after a long illness. She says: “Cancer had dominated our lives for the past 3 years. All our plans, our lifestyle, travelling and camping, had been replaced by pain, nausea, and chemotherapy.” This put strain on their marriage, relationship and happiness. As the cancer progressed, he became more and more demanding. Yet, Anna lovingly cared for him to the end, neglecting her own health. Then he was gone… forever. Anna entered the whirlwind of emotions, loss and grief. And then began the platitudes. “He’s in a better place”. “He has no more pain”. “You must be so relieved”. Even the sympathy cards with poems with wording like “Do not miss me when I’m gone. Dry your tears and move on”

Anna's response is: "Ed's struggle has ended. He went peacefully in his sleep. So yes, he won. He went from the pain of cancer to being ushered into the arms of His Saviour, and being made whole. I'm sad for me but rejoicing for him!”

Jane told me: “I don’t like it when someone dies and it’s referred to as “losing their fight with (some disease).” When my husband died, he didn’t lose his fight with MS. He was instantly transported to heaven and welcomed by his Saviour. He is now free from his wheelchair, and has a new body which works as it should. That sounds like a WIN to me!”

Cornelia's story was different: “I did not understand why he was taken so suddenly. He left home that morning, after sharing a joke with me, and never came home. They told me he died instantly in the accident. “At least he didn’t suffer” people would say. “He’s in a better place.” But where do all these words leave me? I am suffering now. I am not in a better place…”

Pebble:

Words that are expressed in kindness, yet stab the heart. The widow needs to understand that people mean well, but often do not know what to say. So, they use familiar words which they think are appropriate!!! But unless they have experienced what you are going through, they cannot understand how much these platitudes / clichés can hurt one’s fragile emotions.! Try not to take any notice. Forgive them as they are only trying to be kind.

Scripture:

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34a

Prayer:

Father God, please help me, for people say hurtful things. Show me ways to forgive those who are trying to be kind. Help me to comfort those who loved and also miss my husband. Amen.

Starting a Widows Support Group.

When one begins the journey on the street called Widowhood, one finds it difficult to pick up passengers to travel with you. Soon one has a need to refuel. But where does one find a filling station. Family, friends, colleagues and even church members, cannot be expected to understand. They try. They want to support you, but how can they understand your inmost thoughts, when you are struggling to understand them yourself. There are many other widows who find themselves in the same situation. And this is why a support group is a great idea. Location and Age Group It is best to seek out widows who live in the same suburb as yourself. This makes getting together so much easier. If there is a community FaceBook or Whatsapp group covering your suburb, that is a good place to start. Local churches should also be able to provide some names. Decide on an age group. Over 60s, retired ladies, 50+, 40+, young ladies etc. First Get-Together Arrange a morning tea, or finger lunch. Your home could be suitable or choose a cozy place with no disturbances. A maximum of six ladies is a good number to start with. Serve tea and eats then sit down to chat in the group. Starting with yourself, allow each lady to give her name and some basic information about herself. Ask how long she has been a widow. Share your vision for the support group. As each lady to write down their full names, birth dates and cellphone numbers. Ask for one lady to hold then next meeting at her home. Second Get-Together Hostess to serve eats and refreshments. You will remain as Chairlady. This week’s discussion can handle topics like challenges faced in the past month, hobbies, birthplace etc. Anything of interest. Put each lady’s name in a “hat”. Let each one draw a name. Over the next month, she will be responsible to check up on that lady once a week, and take her out for a coffee date, before the next monthly meeting. This way, each lady will be cared for and will care for another, resulting in weekly contact with 2 other ladies. Do this every month so that the ladies get to know each other. Third Get-Together This is the ideal opportunity to go on an outing. Choose a coffee shop, restaurant of similar location where you can enjoy a light meal and are able to chat. Share transport and have each passenger contribute to petrol. Once again let the ladies draw a name to care for and be cared by during the following month. They must not draw the same name as previously. Continue with this for the first 6 months. It gives them the chance to get to know everyone and develop friendships. Some will become bosom buddies, others just general friends. Now they have at least 5 new friends who understand. Growth in Numbers Other widows will probably hear about your group. It’s best to remain with the first group of 6 or less for the first 3 months. Thereafter, others may be included but try not to reach more than 12 ladies in a group. Other Activities Picnics Walk on the beach Pottery class Theatre / Movie night Day Trips

Sparrow Widows Support

Life will never be the same again

Clichés and Platitudes

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