Grief Triggers

Parable

Country music and hits from yester-year trigger emotions from deep within my sub-conscious.  It got so bad, that I had to make the choice to be careful what music I listen to.  Going back to our favourite holiday spot was also difficult the first time.  I went and sat on the rocks, staring out over the sea, where the Atlantic and Indian oceans meet, and I cried. I imagined seen him on the rocks, strolling along the boardwalks, watching the sunsetting over the fishing harbour, and I cried some more.  I may have added a litre or two of tears to the ocean that day.  But now I can return there, and I have done so a few times, and I seldom cry.

Pebble

Somewhere along the way a memory might trigger a significant grief reaction.  Let the tears flow. Tears help with the healing process. You will be stronger and better on the other side. 

Scripture

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.  Psalm 56 : 8

Prayer

Father God, Your Word says there is a time to cry and a time to laugh. Help me to accept my tears and to deal with the things that trigger my grief.  Knowing that You keep tract of my tears, is such a blessing to me. Thank You for this promise.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen! (Ecclesiastes 3:4).

Travelling Alone

Parable:

I took the plunge and planned a trip to the United Kingdom!  I would be travelling alone to destinations that I had never been to before.  It was a 6 week trip,  allowing time for sight-seeing and visiting family and friends at various places.  The London Underground was my biggest challenge.  Even after 4 visits, I still do not know how to get myself around the stations or the various routes.  It was not nice to do this on my own but, I succeeded and got to all the places I needed to be. 

Castles, country towns, churches, seaside and botanical gardens were just a few of the places I visited.  Such beauty. Wonderful people who took me sight-seeing and accommodated me in their homes.  And yet, I missed that one person.. and again aloneness came creeping in.

Pebble:

If you have always wanted to travel or do something special…. just do it!!  Plan well and prepare carefully.  If possible, ask a friend or relative to accompany you.  Don’t put it off any longer… time runs out so quickly.  When I think of the bucket list my late husband and I had… we had started working through it but hadn’t got very far.. and then he was gone.

Scripture:

The Lord himself will go before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forget you. Don’t be afraid and don’t worry.  Deuteronomy 31:8

Prayer:

Lead me in your ways Oh Lord.  Guide me as I plan and prepare this trip. Open and close doors according to Your Will.  Thank you. Amen.

Gratitude Notes

 Parable:

As a widow, life can become overwhelming at times.  In the beginning, one feels overwhelmed, desperate, insecure and frankly, there seems like very little goes right!  It can be difficult to notice things that are going right and falling into place.  Circumstances that were sorted into something good.  Provision of food vouchers. That bunch of flowers from someone who says:  ”I’m thinking of you”.

Pebble:

At the end of each day for the next month,  challenge yourself to write down one thing that has happened for which you are grateful.  It could be something that happened today, such as that bunch of flowers that arrived unexpectedly.  Or it could be general gratitude for your children, family or friends.  It could even be a bad experience from which you learnt a valid lesson.

Keep your Gratitude Notes to use on future days. when you are feeling low.  A reminder of the good things, will lift your spirits and encourage you to carry on.

Scripture:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Prayer:

Father God, thank You that you are with me and have promised that You will never abandon me.  Gently remind me of the little things for which I should be grateful.  In Jesus Name. Amen.

Doing life Alone

Have any of you gotten used to doing things alone? Many find this a very difficult transition.

Parable:

Carol shares: “My husband has been gone nearly a year and I am becoming a hermit.  I don't go out to eat alone, to the movies or anywhere except church.  And even when at church, I can’t wait to return to the safety of my home.  Grocery shopping is no longer any fun, as I used to love preparing dinners for him.  Now there is no need. A cheese sandwich or mug of soup is all I need.  I lived alone for many years before I got married.  Back then, I was young and care-free.  I had a large friendship group and never spent a weekend on my own.  Gradually, we got married and moved off in different directions.  New friends made through the years, are married and have lives of their own.  I have never felt so alone in my life, as I do right now”

Pebble:

Making new friends, who are also widows, will help you to fill the void of loneliness.  Find out who the widows are in your church or neighbourhood.  Reach out to them and invite them to meet you for coffee.

In the left hand column of this page, you will find information on how to start a widow’s support group.  Someone has to take the first step…. Let it be you.

Scripture:

The book of Ruth in the Bible, is about 2 widows who supported each other – Naomi and Ruth.  It is a lovely, encouraging story.

Prayer: 

Father God, please help me and guide me as I reach out to other widows.  Fill my heart with love and understanding and we strive to bring other widows together to form new friendships and support.  Thank You.  In Jesus Name. Amen.

 

Dealing with Guilt

 As the initial shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or try to escape from it through work alcohol or drugs.

Parable:

My husband was not able to find a buyer for his business, before he died.  While experiencing the pain of losing him, I was having to contend with staff issues, potential buyers, lawyers, auditors and so on. 

My pain was soon replaced by guilt.  I was determined to rid myself of his business as soon as possible.  I did not want it, I did not want to contend with staff.  I just wanted to be left alone!  And then the guilt started to rise up, as I realized this business had been his dream.  For 15 years, he had lived for his work.  He hardly spoke of anything else.  He became well known in the industry.  He made a difference.  He loved it.  And now, here I was desperately wanting to get rid of his dream.  The guilt was like acid-reflux in one’s throat. 

Added to that guilt, were the thoughts that began to plague me.  Was I good wife?  Could I have been a better life partner for him?  All the things I did wrong.  Things I did that made him sad.

Pebble: 

Write any guilt feelings onto small pieces of paper, as you think of them.  Go and spend a few days at one of his favourite places.  (It’s fine to do this at home but most widows find that a quiet, secluded place worked better for them.)  The seaside, the mountains.. anywhere where you can be alone.  Work through these guilt feelings, one at a time.  Let them go and forgive yourself.  Then, when you have dealt with it, scrunch up the piece and paper and dispose of it.  Then accept that it is gone, it’s over.  Never allow yourself to feel guilty about it again.  Then move on to the next one.

Scripture: 

"Therefore, there is now condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

Prayer: 

Father God, thank You for Your forgiveness in Christ Jesus.  Thank You that You do not condemn me, even when I want to condemn myself.  As I deal with these feelings of guilty, I ask to experience Your perfect peace, as I release each one. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Normal, what is normal now?

Parable:

A few weeks after my husband died, my daughter and I went to visit friends in another town.  I had recently discovered that other friends from my hometown, whom I had last seen in my youth, had retired here.  I made contact with this couple and arranged to meet for dinner.  They had lost their only son to a heart attack, some years before and knew what grief did to one.  He asked me: “When do you think things will get back to normal?”.  What a silly question, I thought.  How am I supposed to answer? I replied:  “What is normal?”.  He said that was the answer he was hoping I would give as nothing would ever be the same normal anymore.  He went on to encourage me to begin looking for my own new normal.

When the pandemic hit the world in 2020, the words “new normal” became part of everyone’s vocabulary!.  We were all challenged to adapt to survive through the virus.  The “new normal” after the loss of a loved-one is similar but very different.  Life will never be the same again but discovering one’s new normal alone, is not easy.

Pebble:

A collage is a wonderful way to sort out one’s thoughts about the future.

You will need:  A poster board; old magazines; glue stick; scissors; felt tip pen

*Divide the board into 8 blocks.  Add the following headings to the blocks.

*Career/Retirement; Health; Money; Family; Friends; Leisure/Vacation; Home Environment; Personal Growth.

*Find pictures which represent your thoughts and ideas for each heading.  Paste the relevant pictures in the blocks.

*Keep the poster as a reminder in the days and months ahead. 

Scripture:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Prayer:

Father God, thank You that You have a purpose for my life.  Please guide me as I dream about and plan my future. Amen.

 

Shock and Denial

Parable: 

My husband died of cancer, exactly 3 months after diagnosis. We waited with his body until the undertaker arrived. I walked away from the hospital with a feeling of numbed disbelief. Yet, only after all the visitors had left later that evening, did I realise that he would not be coming back. My loss suddenly felt impossible to accept. I was overwhelmed by emotion. He was released from all pain and indignity the cancer had caused him. However, the realisation that I was now alone, was a great shock. 

This shock or disbelief is understood as the numbness often associated with initially receiving the news of the death of a loved one. Denial is the considered to be the first stage grief. Although we do not realise it at the time, it helps us to survive the loss. Denial helps us to spread out our feelings of grief, instead of facing all the emotions at once. In the numbness, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming and you may even feel that your life makes no sense anymore. You could have many questions like How can I go on? Why should I go on? Could I have prevented this?. By asking yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. As you become stronger, denial will begin to fade. 

Pebble: 

Find ways to simply get through each day. 

Begin each day with a good breakfast. Take your time preparing and enjoying it.

An outing with a friend is always a good idea. 

Tackle the laundry basket, repack your pantry cupboard. 

Keeping busy makes life feel somewhat worthwhile. 

Scripture: 

About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud [agonized] voice, “ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?” That is, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” Matthew 27 v 46 (amplified version) 

Prayer: 

Father God, I cannot believe what has happened. Losing my Belovéd Has torn a hole into my heart. I feel abandoned. Please give me the strength to accept my own questions.
Please be my Comfort and Guide.

Funeral Planning

 Parable:

The day my husband passed away, was a public (bank) holiday.  Early the following morning, my son and I went to the funeral home to begin the planning for the funeral.  As we sat in the waiting room, questions began to fill my mind. “What am I doing here?”,   “Why do I have to do this?”,   “How am I supposed to plan a funeral for my Belovéd?”

The undertaker was a wonderfully, kind gentleman.  We were offered a cup of tea and sat down to discuss the way ahead.  He listened carefully as I explained the ideas that my now late husband and I had discussed.  He offered some practical suggestions and was a real strength to us.

Pebble:

Here are a few things that I wish I had known:

* It is going to be a long and tiring day.  You will need the energy provided by a healthy breakfast.   Make sure you eat!

* Take along all relevant paperwork.  Identity document, Notice of Death etc.  Read the Notice of Death carefully to make sure the information is correct.  My late husband’s birth date was written is as his date of death!!!!

*If the funeral home / undertaker offers you a cup of tea during this planning meeting, accept!

*we will cover burial vs cremation in another post.

Scripture:

The Burial of Jesus

Now there was a good and righteous man named Joseph. He was a member of the Jewish high council,  but he had not agreed with the decision and actions of the other religious leaders. He was from the town of Arimathea in Judea, and he was waiting for the Kingdom of God to come.  He went to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body.  Then he took the body down from the cross and wrapped it in a long sheet of linen cloth and laid it in a new tomb that had been carved out of rock.  This was done late on Friday afternoon, the day of preparation, as the Sabbath was about to begin.   As his body was taken away, the women from Galilee followed and saw the tomb where his body was placed.  (Luke 23)

Prayer:

Father, Your Word says that if anyone lacks wisdom, let Him ask of You and you will answer.  Lord, I need wisdom today as I need to make big decisions and I don’t even know where to start. Please let me know the comfort of the Holy Spirit today.

Clichés and Platitudes

                        Parable:  

           Here are 3 parables from 3 different widows:

Anna lost her husband Ed, after a long illness.  She says:  “Cancer had dominated our lives for the past 3 years.  All our plans, our lifestyle, travelling and camping, had been replaced by pain, nausea, and chemotherapy.”   This put strain on their marriage, relationship and happiness.    As the cancer progressed, he became more and more demanding.  Yet, Anna lovingly cared for him to the end, neglecting her own health.  Then he was gone… forever.  Anna entered the whirlwind of emotions, loss and grief.   And then began the platitudes.  “He’s in a better place”.  “He has no more pain”. “You must be so relieved”.    Even the sympathy cards with poems with wording like  “Do not miss me when I’m gone. Dry your tears and move on” 

Anna's response is:  "Ed's struggle has ended. He went peacefully in his sleep. So yes, he won. He went from the pain of cancer to being ushered into the arms of His Saviour, and being made whole. I'm sad for me but rejoicing for him!”

Jane told me:  “I don’t like it when someone dies and it’s referred to as “losing their fight with (some disease).”  When my husband died, he didn’t lose his fight with MS. He was instantly transported to heaven and welcomed by his Saviour. He is now free from his wheelchair, and has a new body which works as it should. That sounds like a WIN to me!”

Cornelia's story was different: “I did not understand why he was taken so suddenly.  He left home that morning, after sharing a joke with me, and never came home.  They told me he died instantly in the accident.  “At least he didn’t suffer” people would say.  “He’s in a better place.”  But where do all these words leave me?  I am suffering now.  I am not in a better place…”

Pebble:  

Words that are expressed in kindness, yet stab the heart. The widow needs to understand that people mean well, but often do not know what to say.  So, they use familiar words which they think are appropriate!!!  But unless they have experienced what you are going through, they cannot understand how much these platitudes / clichés can hurt one’s fragile emotions.! Try not to take any notice.  Forgive them as they are only trying to be kind.

Scripture:   

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  Luke 23:34a

Prayer:   

Father God, please help me, for people say hurtful things.  Show me ways to forgive those who are trying to be kind.  Help me to comfort those who loved and also miss my husband. Amen.

My Husband is Gone

Parable:  

The reality has not hit home yet.  Can it be true?  Is this just a bad dream? No matter the circumstance of his passing, the initial shock is surreal. You feel as though the air around your head is buzzing.  Your brain is so foggy, that questions and answers don’t make sense.

What now? What must I do next? How am I going to cope?

Suddenly there are so many people phoning you,  the children buzzing around you, fussing over you. Everyone wants to support you although they don’t know how.  They too are feeling the loss.

Words of sympathy don’t make sense.

You try to keep busy.  You try but cannot stop the tears, no matter how hard you are trying to be brave. The tears are not just wet ones.  They burn deep inside your chest, like an overwhelming heartburn. 

Visitors.  You try to smile for your visitors.  You busy yourself making tea and coffee.

You want to be alone.  But you are afraid to be alone.

 

Pebble:    

Take a hot bath or shower.  Let the tears flow.

Put on clean, comfortable clothing.  This provides a sense of refreshing.

Let someone else make the tea.  

Relax in your favourite armchair or under the tree in the garden.

Hand your phone to a friend.  Let them answer the calls and the questions.  You will only

exhaust yourself if you try to answer all the questions about his passing.

 

Prayer:

Father God I cry out to You, hear my cry for help.

Please, please listen to my prayer.                                                                                      
I find myself in a very strange space, like a faraway land, that is so unfamiliar.                   
I am feeling so overwhelmed. I do not understand what happened today.                               
I call to you for help.  I feel so weak and helpless!                                                             
Carry me to a high rock where no one can reach me.                                                                            Only You are my place of safety, a strong tower that protects me.                                                     Please let me know Your peace and comfort today and in the days ahead. Amen

Adapted from Psalm 61